The Simplicity Of Love
This post follows on from previous post ‘What It Feels Like To Be Loved.’
People marry for all sorts of reasons. But is the most significant reason love? If your partner wanted to leave today could you allow them to do so without malice? This to me is love in it’s original pure sense.
True love is love that puts the other person above fragile ego, personal need, personal greed or what the neighbours will think. If divorced couples really loved, where does the often seen bile and latent vindictiveness come from?
Glaring at each other through divorce lawyers they exhibit sadness, disappointment, jealousy, ego, anger, fear…but not love.
There was a man married to his actress wife who ended up living practically next door to her…and her new boyfriend! One good reason was so that everyone could see the children with ease. When asked about this unusual arrangement, the husband said that it was because he loved her he knew she must be free to do what makes her happy, particularly if she no longer reciprocated their love as before.
This was a man with the most uncommon common sense, a deeply spiritual intelligence, anchored unusually and unselfishly by true love.
…And then, dear Reader, there’s Family Member. Today, as I write, a week or so from the last post about not feeling loved, I am once again a wonderful, much loved, depended upon person…in their eyes.
I find myself gushingly re-seated in my old familiar role of The Champion.
But you see…that Champion person, me, who was ‘not loved’ only a week or so ago was exactly the same person as today.
Did Family Member and I have an argument?
No.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m too laid back for life-wasting unnecessary-ness like that, (9 times out of 10).
Did I do something that offended?
No.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I have never been afraid to confront my own mistakes as publicly as I might do others, (7 times out of 10).
So in this instance I was reminded that if someone has something going on in their head and decides to bring drama to you…help them, ask them, cajole them to tell you, understand what they might be going through. However if they are not willing to have an honest discussion or to be mindful of their own actions and the consequences, then you must leave them to it to preserve your own sense of self. You risk self-analyzing into utter confusion when the analysis should be conducted elsewhere. There is only so much you can do.
We are at liberty to fix ourselves – not others, unless of course they ask and then we can only attempt to do it with their full cooperation.
In the end this is really about someone blowing off steam in one way or another. We all do it. Although it does not have to be done at the reckless expense of someone else.
Not everyone who plays aimlessly with what is already comfortable, good and right in their lives in favour of stirring up pointless ill feeling is aware of what they are doing. And I believe that is the case here. But it was important for me to recognize how, (in this case) my actions had little to do with the way Family Member was behaving. This was their choice.
As it was also their choice to randomly reinstall me as The Champion again with no change to my character, routine or behaviour.
For a seeker of beauty and simplicity of life, it is also my choice not to play a starring role in other people’s unpredictable, unacceptable drama’s.
I have always known that if you do not love yourself you will have nothing to give others.
As we are talking about the simplicity of love, this then has to be one of the most important rules:
Don’t seek love from others that you do not have for yourself.
The only place love can be guaranteed consistently and without disappointment is from yourself. This too is about choice. Once you know this you will have fortified armour for drama (yup it rhymes!) and plenty of love to spare, even for those who disappoint you, for those who find someone else to love, or for those who forget what true love means from time to time.
And you? How do you handle vindictive behaviour? I’m not going to lie to you – I’m no saint and my reaction may be different if it was not a family member…
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18 Responses to “The Simplicity Of Love”
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I think this is why I don’t believe in love, or I am very skeptical of it…
Love is unconditional to me, which most people don’t understand. That means without condition. That means if my love murders my whole family, I will still love them.
Think about that the next time you say ‘I love you’.
Excellent piece btw.
David W recently posted..There’s Never Enough Time
That’s very deep David and opens up all cans of worms because unconditional love does mean that one would have to keep loving the murderer….and yet…we are still all human. If someone you chose to love stood in front of you pounding you violently constantly, could you still continue to love them? Unless you were brainwashed into fear as in domestic violence, the likelihood is that your feelings might wane somewhat. On the other hand, unconditional love would make you open to finding out more about the person pounding you and what their problem might be rather than meeting violence with violence or hate.
Although I myself am not skeptical about true love, I am skeptical about it’s daily mis-use and erosion of meaning. You have a very interesting vibe David – my guess is (maybe on your travels), when you meet someone who really resonates with it maybe you’ll see reason not to be a skeptic!
See…I said you’d dig your way out of the tunnel:~) Wise words from a Wise Pea. I especially like this line, “I have always known that if you do not love yourself you will have nothing to give others.”
Regarding handing vindictive behavior, I’m not always good in the beginning, but I know the best way for me to find my balance again is to let go of my anger and accept the person where he or she is. I can’t honestly say this means I will give them unconditional love, but then I’m am a work in progress:~)
I must admit have a hard time with David’s reply. To be honest, I’m not sure I could go that far. Again, still a work in progress….:~)
Sara recently posted..Thinking Thursday: Domestic Violence
I’m with you. If I don’t have to accept the person because they are a stranger then it’s easy, my attention is much better used elsewhere. Off switch.
However, if it is family, or friends, you have to learn ways of dealing with it if you wish to stay in contact with them. One of those ways is to let folk be who they are as you say, because none of us are perfect.
I had a friend who liked trying to push my buttons because I am a naturally calm person. That irked him. He managed to do it only twice in 10 years or so. The second time I cottoned on and did not give him the satisfaction anymore. Being calm and thoughtful is not a negative, but it irked him because he was the opposite and his lack of control led him into much trouble frequently. So he liked to try and ruffle my feathers every now and then.
He is not a bad chap and has many qualities, but in this case the true grace would be to allow me to be my calm self just as I allowed him to be frazzled and out of control by his own choice.
It’s all about choice and respect.
Pea recently posted..The Simplicity Of Love
I think i would kinda agree with David. Although I could not take it as far. If someone killed my whole family it’s on! I could not continue to love them. so maybe my love is conditional after all? I promise to love you forever as long as you don’t murder my family!
I don’t know. Thats why I think also like David I just don’t really believe in it. I just read a story about a woman who would try to steal her boyfriends sperm to get pregnant when he had said he wasnt ready for kids. Its that sort of thing that makes you wonder about the sanctity of love and marriage. Need i mention Kim Kardashian and her sham affair. But this is certainly a thought provoking piece Pea. Nice work.
Thank you Pete. But lets not throw the baby out with the bath water. Those relationships you mentioned are their own unique couplings and have nothing to do with you. If like finds like then you will find the person who vibes with you and you will be able to tell that you belong together.
If you choose to ignore warning signs and settle for less than you deserve, even for what you may consider to be justifiable reasons and get together with someone who is not right for you, (i.e murders your family), then you cannot blame love for that. That would be your poor judgement failing you – not love. The simplicity of love requires that you do right by yourself first. When you do, you will be happy and find happy.
Pea recently posted..The Simplicity Of Love
Scarily wise words Pea. i couldn’t be so pragmatic and well thought out if someone was choosing to wind me up for no reason. But like Sara said Im a work in progress. That’s why i like coming here you keep reminding me that its okay to get it wrong cos were human but with a bit of thought and effort we can get it right too.
That’s all it takes sometimes. Thoughtfulness. So simple and yet patently so hard.
Hello Pea,
Your opening sentences bring to mind a philosophy of love I read long ago by M. Scott Peck, in “The Road Less Traveled.” He talks about love being an extension of oneself that brings about spiritual growth in another. Perhaps then, it is not the returning of our love that necessarily brings happiness, but seeing this ‘spiritual growth’ in the other that we might inspire. Indeed selfless. Also, some lovely lines excerpted from a W.H.Auden poem:
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return
If equal affection cannot be
Let the more loving one be me.
Peace.
Sophia
Sophia recently posted..Finding Repose in Venice. Diary Entry: Venice, Nov. 4th
“…an extension of oneself that brings about spiritual growth in another.” Yes. Very, very nice. Just savouring the words as I write. Imagine if we were able see the immediate visual impact to others that our words and actions had, we might all be a bit kinder? If every kind word lead to someone blossoming right in front of us…who knows? Alternatively some might take pleasure in seeing someone shrivel in front of them as they spit out bile and toxic words!
Thanks for coming to visit Sophia. Always love the little lines of poetry you drop. It shows me how little I know of the great poets.
Pea recently posted..The Simplicity Of Love
Hello Pea,
Yes. Sadly, some do take pleasure in hurting others. I think being nice to others makes some members of our race vulnerable to being hurt themselves. Perhaps this is one way of understanding this.
Peace.
Sophia
Sophia recently posted..Venice as a "Leafless City." Diary entry: Venice, Nov. 4th
I found your site as a result of the comment you made on one of our blog posts. What a gift!
This post spoke to me on many levels.
Thank you for showing up and sharing your beautiful heart.
L.
Lana recently posted..-
Lana, hello! How nice of you to visit!
“…to facilitate a safe, self esteem powered resource “action” group of women who are already well on their way to realizing their personal best and are eager to empower others to reach theirs.” – I look back at the history of women and the loudest messages seen read and heard today by young girls and I can see you have a something of a battle on your hands….And yet, one can look at that same history to draw strength from the great deal that has already been done before, despite the somewhat less than stellar state of things today. I wish you luck Lana and shall observe your blog with interest.
Pea, how does armor and drama rhyme?! you must pronounce them really differently than me. I say them “arr-more” and “draw-muh”.
Haha anyway, I’m pretty good at handling drama. By that, I mean I suppose I’m pretty terrible. But, I don’t put up with any of it. If that stuff happens, I let the person know that I’m not interested. If they continue, I avoid them until they feel better.
Kind of at the opposite extreme than many people. I know a lot that gets sucked into the drama just because they want to help. They’re super nice and friendly and can’t stand the thought of not playing into someone else’s nonsense. On the other hand, I completely shut those people out.
I think somewhere in the middle is probably the best place to be. Like you mentioned, offer your help, but they aren’t interested, then leave to preserve your sense of self.
Fred Tracy recently posted..Ignorance is Bliss – Cultivate Selective Ignorance
Yes I did forget that some of my readers accents would not necessarily synch with my own. I think you have to think of a New England accent to get it to work! Think President Kennedy! Try that! If it doesn’t work you get your money back in full!
Yes, bluntly refusing to negotiate with nonsense can be quite a bit easier when the person is not related, but it gets harder the closer they are to you. But despite that I think it is still appropriate to not allow people to overstep your set boundaries. I know too many people who are incapable of doing that with folks they have literally just met and they therefore continuously allow people to take advantage.
But for peace of mind and simplicity you have to know and respect your own boundaries.
Wow, so you’re from New England.. Or at least the north. Another piece of the puzzle…
What kind of Northerner says “chap” on a regular basis? You are a mystery, my friend.
Fred Tracy recently posted..The Most Important Law of Attraction Secret You’ll Ever Find