The Simplicity Of Love
This post follows on from previous post ‘What It Feels Like To Be Loved.’
People marry for all sorts of reasons. But is the most significant reason love? If your partner wanted to leave today could you allow them to do so without malice? This to me is love in it’s original pure sense.
True love is love that puts the other person above fragile ego, personal need, personal greed or what the neighbours will think. If divorced couples really loved, where does the often seen bile and latent vindictiveness come from?
Glaring at each other through divorce lawyers they exhibit sadness, disappointment, jealousy, ego, anger, fear…but not love.
There was a man married to his actress wife who ended up living practically next door to her…and her new boyfriend! One good reason was so that everyone could see the children with ease. When asked about this unusual arrangement, the husband said that it was because he loved her he knew she must be free to do what makes her happy, particularly if she no longer reciprocated their love as before.
This was a man with the most uncommon common sense, a deeply spiritual intelligence, anchored unusually and unselfishly by true love.
…And then, dear Reader, there’s Family Member. Today, as I write, a week or so from the last post about not feeling loved, I am once again a wonderful, much loved, depended upon person…in their eyes.
I find myself gushingly re-seated in my old familiar role of The Champion.
But you see…that Champion person, me, who was ‘not loved’ only a week or so ago was exactly the same person as today.
Did Family Member and I have an argument?
No.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m too laid back for life-wasting unnecessary-ness like that, (9 times out of 10).
Did I do something that offended?
No.
Anyone who knows me will tell you I have never been afraid to confront my own mistakes as publicly as I might do others, (7 times out of 10).
So in this instance I was reminded that if someone has something going on in their head and decides to bring drama to you…help them, ask them, cajole them to tell you, understand what they might be going through. However if they are not willing to have an honest discussion or to be mindful of their own actions and the consequences, then you must leave them to it to preserve your own sense of self. You risk self-analyzing into utter confusion when the analysis should be conducted elsewhere. There is only so much you can do.
We are at liberty to fix ourselves – not others, unless of course they ask and then we can only attempt to do it with their full cooperation.
In the end this is really about someone blowing off steam in one way or another. We all do it. Although it does not have to be done at the reckless expense of someone else.
Not everyone who plays aimlessly with what is already comfortable, good and right in their lives in favour of stirring up pointless ill feeling is aware of what they are doing. And I believe that is the case here. But it was important for me to recognize how, (in this case) my actions had little to do with the way Family Member was behaving. This was their choice.
As it was also their choice to randomly reinstall me as The Champion again with no change to my character, routine or behaviour.
For a seeker of beauty and simplicity of life, it is also my choice not to play a starring role in other people’s unpredictable, unacceptable drama’s.
I have always known that if you do not love yourself you will have nothing to give others.
As we are talking about the simplicity of love, this then has to be one of the most important rules:
Don’t seek love from others that you do not have for yourself.
The only place love can be guaranteed consistently and without disappointment is from yourself. This too is about choice. Once you know this you will have fortified armour for drama (yup it rhymes!) and plenty of love to spare, even for those who disappoint you, for those who find someone else to love, or for those who forget what true love means from time to time.
And you? How do you handle vindictive behaviour? I’m not going to lie to you – I’m no saint and my reaction may be different if it was not a family member…
What It Feels Like To Be Loved…
Oooops! Junior slips down a slippery ravine in the Masai Mara family compound.
The whole family get involved. ‘I’ll go!’
‘No Bettina, I’ll go, your hip is still playing you up.’
‘No Lavinia, I’ll do it! I’ll get to him quicker.’
Mom ignores her own risk and gets to frightened Junior eventually…
Back to safety!
Okay, I’ve humanized these beautiful creatures just to make the simple observation that it is not only great to feel loved but just as fruitful to make sure that all the ‘creatures’ in all our lives also know that they are loved, safe and protected at every opportunity. They should know that they have a pride of warrior lions ready to rescue them in a New York minute.
Sometimes our ego, work, thoughtlessness or other things get in the way and we forget that people don’t read minds. They can’t always tell!
For a number of reasons not remotely under my control dear Reader, I do not feel loved right now…more on my dastardly deeds later… and it is not necessary to be made to feel this way. The other alternatives are far sweeter and much preferable…
Love your folks. What could be simpler?
All families are different and we don’t all express familial love like the Waltons or with endless big hugs. Take Michael Jackson’s father the day after Michael Jackson died for example…we all have our quirks.
But the most important thing is to understand that to give love is NOT ABOUT YOUUUUUUUUU!
It is about the person on the receiving end. However you give it or show it, it has to be felt by someone else.
It is not about insisting that you give love, in your own way, because if you have to defend it or describe it… it has not reached the intended.
Simple.
If I send a present and it gets lost in the mail, then the birthday girl or boy hasn’t received it. Period. Despite my good intentions.
Love your folk unconditionally. You chose ‘em! (Unless you are the child in the relationship).
Wrap them in encouragement, support, safety and your undivided interest.
PS. You don’t even necessarily have to lick them!
PPS. My ‘dastardly deeds’ are now uploaded here.
ref:
images: saxrohmer
What If You Die…Suddenly? pt 1
I recently heard of a young student whose father died quite suddenly and it really struck a chord.
Without judgement, I believe simplicity and mindfulness would have alleviated a great deal of suffering for those concerned. Read on:
Like many, the gentleman was a single parent and he left behind a teenager and a rather frightened twenty one year old.
While he had passed on – hopefully now at rest, the most intensely traumatic period of difficulty, mourning, indecision, insecurity, lack of knowledge, lack of information and lack of experience was about to come down on his children like a heavily reinforced ton of bricks.
The oldest child, (almost thankfully), was still too in shock to mourn and was forced to become a fully cooked adult overnight with so much to organize. He also faced making the tough decision to drop out of school to deal with the imposed administrative complications of living and dying. Unhelpfully, the fathers office was described as ‘a mess of papers.’
The main issues being:
Assuming there is one, how to continue to pay the mortgage?
What about continuing school fees?
Who was the fathers’ lawyer and /or accountant?
In the children’s vulnerable position could the father’s business partner be trusted?
Can anyone be trusted?
Is there a will?
Any debts to pay off? The rent? Electricity?
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, WHERE DO I START AND WHO DO I TALK TO??!!!
For most adults this would be a difficult time. Imagine for a kid or young adult.
We’ve all heard about terminal illness sufferers making recordings for their children and getting their affairs in order and likewise it is really important that – even though we all think we will live forever – that we get our papers and finances in simple, understandable order so that an 8 year old could get to grips with it should we meet our maker sooner than we thought. In this case the children had also already lost their mom to cancer a year before.
This story really struck me because as a simpletonian and something of a closet hippie, I have little truck with excessive busy body red tape-ism and bureaucratic mumbo jumbo. But also having run successful businesses I know that if you do not sort out your paperwork someone else will do it for you - and not necessarily to your benefit!
It touched me also because it is something I had been continuously rescheduling regarding my own (horrifically disorganized) parent for months…It has to be done.
Once it’s done – it’s done.
Mourners have enough to deal with.
Click here for a very useful list of things to consider doing from a parents POV:
What If You Die…Suddenly? pt 2
Here’s a list of things to consider from a parents POV:
- Your children should be told who to trust. A family member or the family lawyer / accountant. Pass on contact details.
- You might have someone already vetted on standby to council them re bereavement. Leave details.
- Depending on their age they may need to know who is the executor of the will in the absence of both parents.
- They may need to be reassured about how the bills will get paid and where they will call home.
- If they are age appropriate they may need to know what terms such as ‘probate’ mean.
- They may need to know about debtors, insurances, savings, shares and contractual agreements with business partners or workplaces.
- And if you are one of those people who hide money all over your house – think carefully about the possibility of losing your hard earned money when it is never found by your own family because you did not leave suitable directions. Instead the movers, a new family or the local termites get the benefit of your hidden stash.
- Leave a list of your personal details (somewhere very secure and safe) with your NI number, date of birth, tax number, date of marriage. etc.
- List people with their contact details that may need to be informed and perhaps include a template letter for them: doctor, work, relatives, friends, deaths register office, funeral home, relevant tax office, other relevant government bodies, debtors, mail, online passwords to various blogs, social sites and communities etc.
- While you’re at it how about leaving something of the heart or personal for your children to treasure, a nic nac, a video or some great books to refer to.
- They will need to know where to find your will.
Remember that you might only need to inform them where you have kept a lot of this information rather than have a long serious session discussing things they might never need to know. Which is why when the information is eventually accessed it must be simple, clear, helpful and understandable.
If you have really young children, someone should know where to access this info – yes, I know we’ll all live forever – but just in case.
If you have adult children, the same applies. They will feel as lost as the teen and his sibling above. Help them out.
If you are short of time, start compiling this information gradually – it doesn’t all have to be done at once. Start with the most vital.
Once done you can relax, live long and prosper! – But remember to keep your instructions, your will and files updated, crystal clear and startlingly simple!
Peace, as ever.
